There is a faith proved of more worth than gold

By the time I think of the title for this post, I'm so exhausted I can't think of what to type anymore.
Been reading this book titled 'The Five People You Meet in Heaven' by Mitch Albom, and the title is actually a part of the book. Okay even if I got the title from the book I had to decide which quote to put alright since there were so many good ones. Hence the exhaustion. Spent the evening & night chilling with Rah Choy @ CBTL- me being at ease at where I usually spend my time, her discovering her new sanctuary. Nice place, where we both were. Serene and not infiltrated by many students like most malls. People there mostly minded their own businesses but smiled when you catch their eye, children laugh innocently against the window pane so you could see their shining faces even if you couldn't hear them. It's the kind of place I love simply because it's highly unlikely I'd meet anyone I know so it's like escaping my own life for a little while.

Tired now. Mum says she's 'tense' when I don't get to sleep so she's incessantly nagging at me to get to bed. Personally feel she needs to see the sleeping patterns of my peers before she comes to conclusions about me sleeping late.
Oh fyi, my eye bags are inherited so it's not exactly due to lack of sleep. Bad complexion is really.. Life is just unfair like that.
Mum will disagree.

'When my hope is gone, when the fear is strong;
when the fear is real, when it's hard to heal;
when my faith is shaken and my heart is broken and my joy is stolen-
God I know that You lift me up, You never leave me searching.'

I'm terrible at expressing sadness. I still do, because that's what keeps me sane- but until the day I die, no one should ever read my diary because it's extremely embarrassing at times haha. Like, I can reread my previous entries and wonder why on earth I'd ever write such things down. Seems like big things that require lots of energy ranting by penning down anger but when I look back.. Those are nothing much. Maybe I'll look back on this one day and laugh at my unduly worries. Most likely so. It's just everything that I have in the coming week- 8 days left to settle lighting for drama prod, helping out at open house, helping our for 1520 camp, leading cell, leading worship, being in CIP comm, and of course the 3rd last paper for GP & lit till the big A's. I'm definitely not blaming anybody for this immense workload I have on me currently- it is nobody's fault. But if it comes down to fault, it's probably mine. For readily agreeing to help in many small aspects and now I can't even focus entirely on one. It's terrible of me to do this to people. It's just... Hard for me to say no to someone who asks a favor from me. Ok not saying I'm so noble that everyone wants me/ needs my help, but when they do I feel it's my duty as a.. Member of society/ whatever community that is to help. I feel like a total waste of space simply being a by-stander. But obviously this is not working out either so time to devise a new plan to selectively say no.

Just wanted to point out this funny thing I wrote a few months back in my diary (sometimes I find myself so funny ha ha): the first 2 pages of the diary are kinda stuck together at the sides so the pages can't be flipped open fully, and I wrote this in the middle of the page- 'Life screws you up at times, just like these 2 pages. Learn to get over it.'

Damn right you are, Mich.

It's such a bad day today. I never know what to talk about when I'm feeling this way (sad, frustrated, helpless, hopeless) but I wanted to post this because friends have been asking what's the matter/ am I alright and I hope to answer it through this- there are just so many things on my mind right now I don't know which thoughts belong entirely to me anymore. So much is influenced by what I read and controversies raised during lessons I start to wonder and doubt almost everything. Knowledge might be power but when it causes you to question your very beliefs I get confused. And no one can clarify my doubts/ answer my questions because not only is my mind a constant whirlpool, values and beliefs are extremely personal and only I determine what I'm able to accept.

People always stress that students should be active learners, able to formulate personal opinions and taking initiative in questioning. Diligence, speaking up, clarifying doubts in class are seemingly the prerequisites for doing well- I can fully testify this is not the case. At least not 100%. Of course they are important, but for such assertions to take place regularly is pushing it too far. There are those who pay no attention, go for selective lectures, never arranged for consultation once in their lives, complete assignments periodically and they reap the rewards. Life just isn't a cause-effect journey. So perhaps it'd be more truthful to say that positive traits reflect who you are as a person, rather than determine what you'll get in life.

Life holds so much more than this. 18 years of my life spent on living my life in ways others want me to. Asian culture or not, sometimes we just want to be free.

New song that's stuck in my head. And hello Sarah! (Okay to be honest Idk which Sarah it is but I'm guessing it's Sarah Choy. Though it can be Sarah Loh too bcuz she confessed to me one day she reads my livejournal. Twice a day.) In any case I feel a little more valued HAHA.

Coffee Bean at city sq is the best place to study- really. And sorry friends I really have to study alone because:
1. It prevents me from wasting time by going to the toilet/ buying food, since I'm paranoid about leaving stuff unattended so this solidarity forces me to stay at my seat from the time I reach to the time I'm leaving
2. I'll have nobody to talk to. Resting periods in between different assignments will be reduced to staring into space, observing children around me, or listening to adults' conversations about their businesses
    2(i) The last mode of rest is likely to propel me into continuing studying because it's just uncannily similar to what I'm studying.
    2(ii) Like today, I overheard these 2 men talking about investments and government policies- had to resist the urge to jump up excitedly and exclaim 'oh my goodness you guys!! Y'all are talking about whatever I'm studying in my econs notes, in real life!' Seriously, it's extremely exciting when you realize what you learn actually has a link to real life scenarios. Education has a way of detaching us from reality, ironically.
3. I have weird habits when studying- like rolling my eyes when I come across ridiculous bio terms and frowning really deeply when reading a particularly difficult econs concept. So if people are with me I'm pressured to minimize these actions in case I distract them/ make them think I want a response in return. I also like to read notes aloud so I prevent reading the same lines over and over- again, a distraction to people very close to me. Like, the woman at the next table turned and look when I sighed rather dramatically in the midst of econs.

Right. But I'm alright with group studying sessions if I'm in school/ once in a while. It's just I feel my productivity is maximized when I'm alone. I've friends who have to have people around to study with to keep them in check- I guess everyone works differently! And I find it's amazing/ a little scary how people can plan to stay up till unearthly hours like 3am just to study. I cannot. It's like my brain automatically shuts down by dinner time. Unless I'm rushing a presentation or doing intense revision before CTs/ promos. Actually I think that's a problem with me. I gotta stay awake more often and get more revision done everyday so there won't be the die-already-I-can't-finish-studying mentality before A's/ prelims/ JCTs. 
You see me being so rational but that's only because this is what I want you guys to see. Truth be told I'm still very much afraid that will happen in spite of me trying my best to prevent it. Relying on God.

Rest well everyone. Love.

Cell Block Tango doesn't stop playing in my head and I can't get enough of the performances (both Chicago's and Glee's).

-

Today's miraculously productive. Prayed so hard for more discipline & motivation & gosh what I did in 5 hours amazed even myself:
-. Econs c(ii)
- VJC's case study
- A lit p5 parag (so I can consult A. Ng)
- Finished macro policies notes (to be fair I already did dd-side policies last night so no, I didn't read all 30+ pages at one go)
- Finished updating my 2nd version of the AQ content prep on Singapore

Let's see, in comparison, what I did yesterday:
- Religion notes
- Dd-side policies

Craze. I'm such a shooow-oooff hahaha pardon me please I seldom have something academically-related to publicly parade alright. Anyway there's prob nothing much to celebrate since my productivity comes in spurts and if I'm at my high point now the next few weeks are prob gonna be on a downward spiral. Mich press on!!

Aiyo sometimes I wonder who reads my livejournal. Like everything I post is so wordy/ boring I wonder who cares hahaha. Like the above- please leh. Who cares how much work you did on a Sunday. Get a life Mich.

On most days there'd be a moment that I experience and I go all 'omg I must blog about it when I reach home' but mostly this fails to happen because I'm just dead beat when I reach home. Too tired to think, express, write. So I have funny little conversations in my head with myself regarding how I should be feeling, as well as make-pretend narrations that I imagine I'd post. (Now, I can't even remember what narrations I came up with so Imma restart everything.)

1. The 'stop-playing-go-study' speech to us, again, today.
Or as I prefer to call it, the SPGS lecture. Happens once too frequently, and the true effect is only shown when it's said by Mrs DC who never fails to inspire. Being measured and hoping not to sound too curt, I appreciate all the teachers concern for us and of course they'd want us to do well- I'm sure they want to see their students shine. It'd be something they deserve after years of slogging for unappreciative and obnoxious students after all. But really- it's the constant comparison of us with other batches that infuriates me the most. Yes, they are hardworking. Yes, they are sensible. No, they don't play around as much as us. Of course, it should be made illegal to giggle or make conversations in the canteen. I'm definitely not advocating that we should all quit school and depend on making jokes a career; it's just plain silly that we are judged based on the amount of time we spend talking in the canteen. Okay I've this whole ranting thing that's about to spill out so I'll stop myself in time. In any case, I find it pretty unjustified we are generalized as a cohort and constantly criticized to no end. Seldom so upset by such lectures but this is one time too many. Don't even get me started on how my econs tutor has to comment 'you guys are not reading your lecture notes' at least once every tutorial.

2. Ugliness inside.
Kept trying to tell myself to not let unjust and anger get to me, remembering the bible verses I just read yesterday that said 'don't be so angry that you sin' and 'don't go to bed angry'. But sometimes it's just so hard to let everything go everytime. It's alright I'm not angst now anymore, though the bit of unjust still lingers (will be dissolved before sleep comes). Was walking home and thinking of how messed up I actually am and how I'm so mean and arrogant and my thoughts so ugly that I don't know what to do. I had my earphones plugged in but I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I was barely registering the song that was playing on my iPod, but suddenly this line just rang out loud and clear: "You see the depths of my heart, and You love me the same". And just like that, I feel comforted again.

3. Role of women today.
I've thought with great confidence women today are hugely different from those in the past- that they would not be expected to be confined within the domains of the house serving and waiting on her husband, that men would start respecting women based on their capabilities and confidence rather than their bodies and features. After having a talk with Sherly 2 days ago- how wrong I was. The males she was so upset about apparently exclaimed with pride during PC about expectations of our future spouses that 'my wife must stay in the kitchen and be able to cook'. And even foolishly laughed right after that, possibly assuming in their little minds 'oh what a smarty I am! Look everyone's laughing at what I said!' Which is honestly speaking, pathetic. I wasn't at the crime site so I don't know exactly how they reacted/ said those words, but judging by Sherly's raged face... Must have been something like that, or worse. Even though they might very well have just been joking (because seriously, there are not many women left today who will be willing to put up with such chauvinistic and spineless men who has to enforce gender stereotypes to make themselves superior. What century are you even living in already.) it doesn't take the intense disrespect out of those words. Sadly, gentle-manliness and charisma (those that draw people to you without you even trying) is very much underrated these days. Being a child and laughing at their own unfunny jokes seem like the in thing now.
Wow rereading what I wrote made me seem so harsh.. I'm definitely Kate from Taming. To add some balance- I'm not saying all guys are bad and women should take over the world while we subject men to concentration camps. I mean, just look at myself- definitely not the ideal female either. It's just that it'd be nice if we could start appreciating each other based on who they are on the inside, not just based on what people think should be the focus.

4. 'Mum's List'
Have been reading this book titled 'Mum's List' since last Sat and it is the most touching book. Ever. It's kind of like an autobiography that the author wrote in memory of his wife who passed away 2 years ago from cancer. It chronicles their memories together since they started dating, all their amazing adventures, their 2 boys (1 who battled an extremely rare form of cancer but is almost in remission now), and how he is coping as a single parent now. The odds of 2 family members contracting cancer is so unlikely (they are not linked) and any family would have drowned in self-pity at their bad luck- but not them. His wife and him have such a strong love that they always managed to find strength in each other even when life piles on heaps and heaps of insanity on them. His description of his wife and how much he misses her makes me wanna cry. As it is, the moment I read the first page at the bookstore my eyes filled with tears and I know I definitely have to get it.

Okay gonna end abruptly here. Hope this doesn't generate too much conflict because of all the strong opinions and word choice. Have your opinions people and let's just agree to disagree. :-)
Love, mich.

Tired tired tired. And weariness does not equate to productivity either.
Was ultra productive on monday when I finished woah essays and revision notes but from tuesday onwards- reach home. Cui. Bathe. More cui. Tell myself tmr will be better. Sleep. School, reach home, cui... And the cycles repeats. At least drama rehearsals on Wed left me feeling rather useful. Friday and Sat was actually activity-filled, though not entirely academically-driven. Just spent an hour plus developing one point of taking sides. One. Point. And now I'm so tired my brain's unable to analyze further why communism played a limited role in shaping the government in the nation-building years. Feeling all sorry for myself now because I'm so inadequate and imperfect and weaker than how I should be.

Just because I serve in church doesn't make me immune to feeling demoralized or frustrated. It's a regular reminder of how God is always in my life but sometimes I wonder if it's humans' choice to remain passive and cold or is this really all part of God's bigger plan? Natural order of things are divine intervention?

Danzage 2012 was really great. So much passion and love from all the dancers.. It was incredible. It's been decades since I last danced that I don't even consider dance as part of me anymore (I'm also pretty embarrassed that I'm admitting I actually danced for a period of time. Yes when I was p3-p4 or 5 okay.) but watching the modern dancers really made me consider what if I had continued dancing all the way to now. Of course I'd never gain back the grace and flexibility so this remains a wish.

Sometimes I feel I speak too quickly and without sense. :( And by sometimes it's probably most of the time instead. Gotta keep trying to become a nicer person- complain and criticize less, compliment and bless more! 'Tis gonna be hard though since mean things are fun to pass of as jokes; but too much of them's bound to change/ determine the kind of person I am and I definitely do not want to appear overly-insensitive or selfish to people. Just did a sharing on kindness in the past week and it's a good reminder to be more aware of what comes out of my mouth! Our word choices really reflect our intentions and characters. Remember mich don't be overly willing to share whatever's on your mind and don't speak too loudly.

Econs now econs forever and still doing terribly in it. Nightz world.

I found that posting in a listing format is actl a very good way of writing out everything I want to even if the points don't connect. So this is what I shall do again.

1. Loving all things girls love does not equate to bimboticism.
I'm not advocating that all girls should and must be concerned about their looks, have the love of braiding hair, be mildly out-of-the-world when looking at cute guys etc, nor am I saying that all the above are things we should be proud of. On the contrary, those are plain weaknesses of women and are traits that define what most of us are. There is of course an imaginary line that we should not cross, like being overly attention-seeking and making everybody hate you, but when done in moderation I don't see on what grounds should they be termed superficial, materialistic, and bimbotic. Yes, I may strut around and roll my eyes more often than the average person, but that does not mean I do not have my own values and opinions. I'm perfectly fine when people jokingly term me a bimbo but when you do it with the judgmental eye (everybody knows... that eye), it just gets too much. I'm usually non-confrontational when it comes to others' opinions but when it becomes an attack on my personality, I have to say something. (But I'm also a coward by nature hence this post instead of saying it all to the person who inspired this spew of frustration.) Believe it or not, encompassing the qualities of a 'bimbo' does not make me all that there is because it just so happens that I'm never afraid to voice out my opinions. (Unless situation deems inappropriate for an 18 year-old to obnoxiously throw out her views when none has been asked.) I'd defend my beliefs and I make clear choices. I know which stand I'd take and why I take them. My thoughts, like many others, are complex and impossible to fathom. What you see me as, it's only the surface. Most people do not spend the time and energy to discovering each and every side of one other. I'm definitely guilty of that too. I don't even think anyone, other than God Himself, will be able to see every side of me. Sometimes I do wonder if anyone will be able to accept me once they see every bit of me.

2. It's not so much the rules that we abide by that make us disciples of Christ (many of em aren't even meant for us); it's accepting that He is our salvation and our God. The greatest command of all is just to Love. But really, even doing that can be so hard.


3. Some things are better left unsaid because the more you explain, the more confused people are. The truth can be perceived differently by different people and you can't ensure everyone understands it the way you want em to.

4. I really hold marriage as sacred. It's such a significant part of someone's life. Love in a marriage just seems so much more real than one in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It speaks of commitment, complete acceptance, determination, eternity. Maybe only because I'm a hopeless romantic that I paint such a rosy picture of marriage for myself and of course things happen between man and wife, but for now, I don't see why I should stop believing in the whole institution. I'm srsly a sucker for all books/ movies/ tv shows love-marriage related.

5. I did no work today. None. At. All.

Tmr shall be a productive day out, and Sunday too.
Have to continue believing Christ can do all that I cannot and stop worrying.